Talking about Donald Trump is nothing short of ‘hair raising’
As a writer there’s nothing you admire more than an evocative turn of phrase. And lately I’ve found many creatively worded descriptions to admire on the US 2016 elections’ news feeds. Moments of international significance can bring out the artist in most, but some are extra special: for instance features, rhymes, and memes which laud, analyse, dissect and go to extreme lengths on Donald Trump’s hair. (His other body parts follow second).
The focus on Trump’s hair isn’t new. But never before has it garnered so much attention or provided comic relief to so many. I particularly enjoy some popular descriptors: “Trump’s crispy crown,” “Kangol hat made of spun sugar”, “aggressive cowlick” (to match his aggressive speeches), and ‘soft-serve swirl” (as in ice-cream cone). The colour, too, keeps us agog. It has changed over the decades and is currently a “nascent baby chick yellow” after a stint as “cigar-stained teeth blonde” and “burnt-Cheetos auburn.” Are you with me yet?
The style itself has mystified fans and haters alike. Is it a toupee? A comb over? Conspiracy theorists allege Trump has done ‘flap surgery’ — a complicated process to plug hair to scalp — as political analysts have postulated that candidates with the best thatches have the most successful stints as president. Legions of hair surgeons, political commentators and songwriters (yes!) have joined the chorus. For example, Vanity Fair’s description of Trump’s hair as a “dead furry lobster.” Think about it — can our own politicians boast of attracting such literary lyricism about their hair follicles? Like “Trump’s ‘subtle’ mullet breaks his collar like viscous bird-killing oil slick.” Whoa.
I must say I particularly enjoy the Trump hair memes on Facebook, Twitter, Pinterest and other social media. “Hell toupee,” goes one with an image of Trump’s hair a-blowing upright in the wind, while t-shirts announcing ‘We shall overcomb’ under a scowling Trump image are selling like hot cakes, it’s reported. Some images will bring a smile on your face on the gloomiest morning: Trump’s hair as a corn cob, a furry caterpillar, a ‘defective pastry’, a sad salmon sushi, several recalcitrant bunnies and kittens, a troll (but naturally), a ‘square-shaped guinea pig,’ and my personal favourite: “Donald Trump’s hair finally runs off to seek a better life.” ROTFL.
Who cares about Hillary Clinton’s famously dowdy pantsuits anymore? Or Ted Cruz’s mixed-up mashup of Dr Seuss’ Green Eggs and Ham? Trump’s hair, well, trumps them all, with fresh jokes, songs (yes, songs!) and articles every day. The most in-depth dissertation on Trump’s locks has reached the profound conclusion that, “He combs it forward so it reaches past his nose, then folds it back and sprays it.”
A Google search yields no less than 72,70,000 results for Donald Trump’s hair at last count — and I rest my case. And whatever the election outcome, let’s be grateful for the comic relief it’s provided. Why not? Unlike Trump, his hair hasn’t yet hurt anyone. As he says himself, “My hair is mine. No animals have been harmed in the creation of my hairstyle.”